He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
