1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
