I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
