And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
