Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
