she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
