i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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