You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
