im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
