I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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