it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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