so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
