i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Randomize
