just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Randomize
