i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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