Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
