I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sex in a hospital.. check
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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