When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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