Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
