I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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