On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Say something about gay babies.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize