My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
