yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
