I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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