Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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