Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
