It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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