I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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