I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
