hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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