We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
