apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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