so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
