My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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