He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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