addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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