i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
