why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
