I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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