remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
