dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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