Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
