Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
