i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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