i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize