took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
