i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
