He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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