ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
