i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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