So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
