It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
