I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
