if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
