i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize