ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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