A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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