I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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