There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
