so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
