i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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