the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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