Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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