This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
