Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
